For Sale, Baby Never Used
by Will Sadleir

     

A young woman was walking past a clothing store in a mall when something in the window display caught her eye. She did a double take. “It can’t be!” she thought, and walked up to the display to make sure she was not mistaken. Sure enough, among the stylish blouses and leather bags, there it was – a baby! Not a mannequin, but an actual baby. A living human baby. “I don’t believe it!” she exclaimed, looking down at the child. The baby smiled at her and kicked its chubby, little legs with excitement. It was dressed in a red and white baby romper, and on its head was a green beanie embroidered with a tulip. Fresh paint on the store window touted: “A woman’s outfit is not complete without a fashionably dressed baby in her arms.” The young woman looked down at her empty hands. On the baby’s sleeve was a price tag: $79.00. “That’s not much for a baby,” she thought. A man walked up to see what had caught the young woman’s eye.  
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“It’s a baby!” the young woman said.
“Where did it come from?” the man asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Where’s its birth certificate?”
“I don’t know that either.”
“Ha!” the man smirked. “You can’t buy a baby if you don’t know where it comes from!” and he continued on his way incredulously shaking his head.
           
A couple holding hands approached the window. “Look how fat it is!” the boyfriend remarked, looking down at the baby’s plump, pink flesh. The girlfriend cast him a disapproving glance. “Well, errr, I mean, not fat, but, uhhh, pudgy!” he sputtered. “Well no, not pudgy, exactly, but, uhhh, pretty! Yes! Look how pretty it is!” he finally concluded.
 
By now a crowd was beginning to form around the window display and the curious shoppers discussed the mysterious baby for sale. “Who’s its mother?” one person asked. “Does it go with denim?” another shouted. One woman nodded toward the advertisement and commented to her friend: “They’re reinforcing traditional gender roles! It should say, ‘A person’s outfit is not complete without a fashionably dressed baby in his or her arms!’”
 
A small boy, not much older than ten, wiggled his way to the front of the crowd and plastered his face against the window. He banged on the glass with his fists. “Do something!” he screamed. The baby lay still, looking inquisitively at the boy. “Do something, baby! Move!” He banged on the glass again. Frustrated by the baby’s inactivity, the boy grunted and navigated his way back out of the crowd. 
 
“Of course they’re selling a white baby!” a bearded man scoffed. He shouted indignantly into the store at no one in particular: “You know, there are more Chinese babies in the world than all other babies combined!” He was not sure whether that was true, but it sounded right.  
 
A wife asked her husband whether he wanted to buy the baby. “No, I don’t think so,” he replied, “I have never bought a baby before, and I don’t plan to start now.”
“Well, I think I am going to buy it!” the wife said playfully.
“And I am going to do everything in my power to oppose that!” the husband laughed, snatching the wife’s purse away from her.
 
Five men in blazers with matching pins stood on their toes at the back of the crowd. “Baby for sale?” one of the men said curiously. “I wouldn’t risk buying a baby without a satisfactory warranty,” another one snorted.  “Oh yes, absolutely,” the other four heartily concurred, “You mustn’t buy a baby without a satisfactory warranty!”
“What’s the warranty on that baby?” one of the men yelled into the crowd. Nobody responded. “I say! Does anybody know the warranty on that baby?” another one cried. Still, nobody answered. “Hmm! Too risky without a proper warranty,” the five men simultaneously concluded, and departed for the Chick-fil-A in the food court.
 
Just then a store employee picked up the baby. The boisterous crowd fell silent. She tore the price tag from its sleeve and brought it along with the baby to the sales counter. In unison, the crowd shifted to the store entrance to get a view of the patron who was buying the baby. A frail woman with knotty fingers, a beige raincoat, and a Burberry scarf stood at the counter: “My granddaughter will just love this,” she said. “Oh, could you gift-wrap it for me, please? It’s a birthday present and I don’t wrap as well as I used to.” The employee sheared a long sheet of sparkling, silver paper off a roll and placed it on the counter. She adjusted the baby squarely on it, and with a few neat folds and a little tape, the child was smartly wrapped.  She arranged a bow on top and handed the gift to the old woman, who then placed it securely in her shopping bag.
 
The old woman walked out of the store, passing the young woman who had first noticed the baby and who also happened to be wearing a Burberry scarf. “Oh! Look!” the old woman exclaimed, pointing to the young woman’s patterned fabric, “We’re twins!” She chuckled and continued through the crowd with her shopping bag in hand.