To Be Seen

by:  David Pring-Mill

The sounds of spring fluttered in through the window like butterflies - relaxed conversational snippets, children playing, little dogs barking. Abby studied her reflection in the bathroom mirror while slowly and deliberately applying more makeup. Her blue eyes and delicate features seemed presentable enough. On some days, her beauty seemed to “pop” a bit more. That was how she thought of it - as a “popping” effect. This choice of words irked her roommate Tanya immeasurably, because for Tanya, popping was something associated with zits.

Abby made a duck face into the mirror. She did so ironically, as a way to pass off her self-consciousness as some elaborate act of self-deprecation. She didn’t persuade herself though, and after a few minutes of further adjustment, she reluctantly joined Tanya in the other room.

Abby and Tanya continued sorting through the trunk of Abby’s old things. Tanya seemed methodical, whereas Abby took her time. Tanya was frustrated at first, but then she tried to match Abby’s pace. She said, “I would like to meet the Mattel executives who decided that not only would Barbie be materialistic and underweight, but she also wouldn’t be allowed to have nipples.”

“It’s wrong to put nipples on a doll. That’s too sexual,” said Abby. She laughed and snorted slightly.

“Think about what you just said. The purpose of breasts is to breastfeed. By depriving Barbie’s boobs of tits, they inhibited the mammary glands’ ability to function, making her rack completely sexual.”

Abby laughed again. Tanya tossed the Barbie doll back in the trunk. They rummaged further.

Tanya asked, “Do you believe that young girls are adversely affected by having Barbies? We’re indoctrinated from a young age to strive towards an unattainable goal. Barbie is skinny, has big boobs, albeit without tits, and lives the perfect lifestyle.”

Abby said, “Yes and no, dear. We probably can’t pin all the blame on Barbie. Because yeah, girls try to be skinny, but I’ve never heard of a girl cutting off her nipples or filling in her vagina with plastic just to be like Barbie. I think that Barbie just epitomizes an ideal that is rampant throughout our culture in lots of other ways.”

Abby snatched the Barbie out of the trunk. She forced the doll’s plastic hand to rub between its legs. She said, “Barbie wasn’t allowed to have a clitoris because her purpose in life is to please and not be pleasured.”

Tanya laughed hysterically and wheezed between breaths, “Oh my God, what are you doing?”

Abby said, “This is symbolic women’s lib.”

“You’re hilariously disturbing,” said Tanya. “But we both have to leave for work soon, no?”

“Okay, okay…” Abby relented and ended the inanimate object’s futile attempt at self-gratification. She then wordlessly stuffed the Barbie in her purse. “She’ll get back to that later. Her coffee break is up.”

“I think you’re revealing too much about your work habits.”

“I think I am.”

Tanya embraced Abby in a big hug. She said, “I’m going to miss you, roomie.”

“I’m not going to a foreign country or anything. I’ll just be out in Brooklyn, in economic exile, where the rent is cheaper. It’s only a thirty minute subway ride away… ish.”

“But I won’t see your bright and shining face on a daily basis anymore, Abby!”

Abby glanced at her watch. “I have to go to my job at the vintage store. Wait, my face is bright and shiny?”

“Shining like a sunbeam,” said Tanya with a smile.

“No seriously, it’s like oily?”

“It’s not oily…”

“Do I need to use oil blotter?”

“No, Abby.”

"Fabulous. Goodbye, dear!”

                                                                                   #

As Abby walked swiftly down Madison Avenue, she passed a homeless man on the street. He called out, “Spare change, miss? Spare change?” Abby walked right by.

The man shouted, “Don’t pretend you can’t see me! If you don’t have spare change that’s fine, God bless, but don’t pretend I don’t exist! You saw me! You saw me!”

Abby walked back. She gave him a dollar. “I’m sorry… You exist.”

The man said, “Thank you.” He then added, “When no one sees you, you see them.”

“I see people, too,” insisted Abby.

“You don’t really see them,” corrected the grungy man. Abby frowned and walked away.

                                                                                  #

She arrived at the vintage clothing store shortly afterwards. She stood behind the cash register and waited patiently for customers. She watched the wall clock tick through the seconds.

An elderly woman entered and looked at the price of a vintage blouse. “Oh my, this is pricey! Why would I want to pay so much for clothes that are already old? I’m old!” exclaimed the old lady with a chuckle.

Abby smiled. She said, “If something is old, it is classic. If it is classic, you have class. If you have class, you feel beautiful. If you feel beautiful, you feel young. Something old makes you feel young.”

The old lady laughed. “That’s an eloquent way of putting it. I’ll take it!”

Abby rang up the purchase. She waited for another customer. She stared at the clock.

                                                                                  #

During her lunch break, Abby walked a few blocks over to a nearby restaurant. Her modeling manager, Gary, was sitting in a booth, waiting for her. He had silver hair and brown eyes. He was well-dressed in a sharp-looking black suit with a yellow power tie. Abby slid into the booth. She took a menu, but Gary snatched it from her.

Gary summoned the waitress. He said, “She’ll just have a salad, no dressing.” The waitress jotted this down. Gary scanned the menu. “And I’ll have a bacon burger,” he added. “Well done. Extra bacon. You can charge me extra for the extra bacon.” The waitress nodded, took the menus, and left.

Abby sipped her water through a straw.

“You got offered a gig in a commercial, for the no sugar iced tea thing I’d mentioned,” announced Gary.

“I don’t act. I know my limitations,” said Abby.

“You don’t need to act. You need to drink the iced tea and look pretty and skinny.”

“What happened to the high fashion stuff?”

“It’s drying up. You weren’t happy with that magazine cover,” said Gary. “And they weren’t either.”

“They’re the ones who picked the photo in which I look weird.”

“They thought it was weird beautiful. An ‘indefinable allure,’ they said. It was meant to be ‘compelling.’“

“But I wasn’t that. I was just weird.”

“I’m working hard for you, babe,” said Gary. He leaned across the table, pulled her closer to him, and forced a kiss upon her.

Abby put up with it. She twiddled with her straw and took a sip. “You’re never going to leave her,” she said quietly.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, I just got you the iced tea commercial!”

“I don’t like iced tea,” said Abby.

"You don’t have to actually like iced tea! You just have to like the money that you’ll get paid. You can pretend that you like iced tea.”

“I also don’t like what I’ve become,” said Abby. “I’m just another part-time model who’s barely booking any gigs, and I’m fucking my manager, and he’s married, and I’m a cliché. Don’t you get that? I’m a stupid fucking cliché and you want me to sip iced tea and pretend that I like iced tea, and you want me to pretend that you and I are happy and in love or something, and I’m tired of pretending. I’m not a Barbie doll. You can’t just put me with props and position me however you want and make it seem real in your mind. There was a time in my life when I was supposed to grow up… when I was supposed to stop treating myself like a doll... and that time passed, but I didn’t get the memo. Don’t you see? Don’t you get it?”

“Baby, you’re making a scene…”

The waitress returned with the food. They stayed silent until she left. Then Abby hastily gathered her things.

“Honey, don’t go now. Your salad is here.”

“I didn’t order a salad. You did.” Abby walked away.

                                                                                  #

Abby’s phone rang as soon as she stepped outside. She answered.

“I’m bored and I can’t bear the thought of you leaving. How’s work?” asked Tanya.

“Fine,” said Abby tersely.

“You don’t sound fine.”

“I am fine,” said Abby. She paused. “I will be fine. I can’t talk now. Bye.”

Abby hung up the phone and returned to the vintage clothing store. When her shift was up, she bought a rundown jean jacket and put it on. She messed up her hair. She went into Port Authority, entered a bathroom, and took off her makeup by splashing cold water on her face. She found a piece of cardboard in the trash.

Abby went outside and sat on the sidewalk. She wrote on the piece of cardboard, then propped it beside herself. She placed an empty cup on the ground in front of her. She stared out at the people passing by.

She decided that it was time to see everyone. She decided not to be seen.